I suppose such trait forcefully attached itself to me when my parents started calling me a fat useless delinquent who only knows how to game all day. That's not true, I just spend alot of time on the computer, since I got Steam back I'm not that eager to play anything anymore. So when they say stuff like that I just igore them.
This feeling really started when I started to talk to some specific people alot. They would rather die than say anything nice or would say something 'nice' and turn it into trashtalk. They would say mean things, or answer my questions with the intentions to hurt.
So I was really caught off-guard when this dude I haven't talked to in ages dropped a casual compliment. I mean look at just how big of a deal I'm making it by writing it down here.
It made me realise that each time my friends say/do something nice for me I'm in this state of disbelief and I just want to quickly reject it. And it's weird because personally if I think, for example, someone looks pretty I'd let them know asap and with my friends nice things shoot out of my mouth like an AK-47 even if I've already said something earlier. It's all that love talking I tell ya.
So yeah, these persons have made me so self-conscious to the point of loathing. Like Jess said it's only a sign that I should pry myself away before any more damage is done. Because normal people, like the dude who talked to me today, say nice and mean things in an honest fashion. Normal people don't diss you for the sake of dissing, they point out your flaws accordingly knowing that you'd be able to take such criticism.
Why am I 'friends' with abnormal people. I'm using that term because as much as I tell myself I don't see them as true friends or even good acquaintances I'm letting them get to me. So when uni starts I really want to tie those loose ends and get over whatever good memory I have with these people. I hope things can end on good terms so they won't end up blackmailing me or something with all those things they know about me because
The above entry is a random stream of consciousness.
