I haven't blogged in a while, mostly because I'm too ashamed to talk about my past few days.
Yep, you guessed it, I've done nothing, of note anyway. I started a Wattpad story, but it's having a hard time upholding ground among all the cheesy One Direction fanfiction written by thirteen year olds, I didn't think the population of that site would be so... tweeny. So I guess that's a bust.
I have no idea what's wrong with me recently. Why couldn't I study for even an hour? I could do other productive things, but not study. 2 days till HSC, where's my wakeup call? Oh wait, it was an hour before this post was written.
I was watching The World's Strictest Parents, and some of them were Asian, looking at their lifestyles and how they strive to work hard to not bring shame to the family didn't come to me as comical. Though my parents aren't strict at all, suddenly I feel like my laziness and lack of motivation IS indeed bringing shame to my family. They can't show me off to their friends, there's nothing they can show off about. That I go Sydney Girls? Not really considering I'm bringing shame to my school as well. Some people I know put me in a bubble, but I'm a crap representation of what my school is. Rents would tell me "We'll just wait for your end results" and I'd tell them "WELL JUST LOOK AT MY END ATAR THEN" but now I feel afraid, because I don't want to imagine their faces when I come home with an asterisk or something.
It's saddening because I'm not sure if 2 days are enough to make up for the entire year that I've lost. I've always thought, oh I have until Trials, oh I have until HSC. Oh look, HSC is fast approaching, what have you done Selena? Where's all that hard-working-ness you've imagined you'd be the entirety of year 12 back in the day? Why are you swearing more than before? Are you straying away from Jesus? Why can't you even cram TWO DAYS before your exam? What are you doing with your life? Where did all that time go?
Another good way of looking at things is deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you, and welp, I'm not at all. I feel guilty every time I talk to your excellence, and I don't want my ATAR to disappoint anyone. You told me to just make the best out of my time, and fortunately I am doing work a teeny bit by a tiny bit. But it's so hard to get into hardwork 12hrs a day from none at all, you know? I can barely concentrate.
I hope this post can also bring epiphany to my fellow procrastinators and "I'll do it tomorrow"zers. Please, just do it. Force yourself to do it. Regret will come and it won't be pretty. And to those people already studying hard... Good on you! I am so proud of you! You'll all be doctors and lawyers!
