Trust is an interesting thing.
It's interesting because it's something that I can never get right... It can break your heart in the worst ways, yet when things don't go awry it can also make you realise how wonderful of a place the world is.
You can never accurately measure trust, because one would constantly question their own.
"Am I not trusting you enough?"
I was watching an episode of Happy Camp and in it the hosts and guests held a panel on deciphering the female species. One of the discussion topics was "why do girls constantly ask their boyfriends if they love them". And while most men would groan and facepalm when asked this, one of the host's responses really enlightened me: "Girls are insecure, they need to be constantly reassured that they are loved. If you told her that you love her yesterday, and then today, she thinks that you may stop loving them tomorrow."
I'm an insecure person, and these insecurities often translate to doubt. Sometimes my lack of faith can blind me to those who care for me the most. When I see people I love hanging around other people, I easily become jelly. If they are hanging around X, would that mean that they'd stop hanging with me? A funny anecdote from last week, I asked him why he barely spent any time with me during Easter, he said it was because we always spend time together and he had not hung with his friends for a long time. In my insecure (and to be fair, I was PMSing) mind, that instantly translated to: He must be getting sick of me, this might be the end of our relationship. Note how I jump to conclusions so easily; perhaps it was the entire rushed-ness of this thing, or perhaps this only shows just how in lack of trust I can be. But of course, at the end of the day, when I can always expect a clingy hug, or a text telling me goodnight, these doubts are always put to a rest, and I am left to just appreciate his existence.
"Am I trusting you too much?"
At the other end of the spectrum, we are afraid of how much we trust people, because unfortunately, too much trust can often lead to something that nobody wants, and that's betrayal. While I talked about being insecure, betrayal is often what causes insecurity. And sadly, every one of us will experience this some point in our lives, and when it does, it will be painful.
This is another problem that I find myself having these past days. I find myself hurting like hell. In fact, I was hurting so much it simply stopped hurting, like I'd just tell myself that it doesn't matter any more. I had faith in a friendship, two, in fact. But nothing pains more than seeing both those go to waste, at the same time. While all of this had been a few weeks ago, I guess right now I'm finally coming out into the open about it and admitting it. I do care, and because I do I am in pain. I have mixed feelings blogging about this, too. I want them to read it, yet I'm scared of yet another confrontation and me eventually breaking down because of it.
I guess it isn't anyone's fault, because for this to happen there must be roots of discontent deep down, things we don't like about each other."If they are not building you up to God, you'd just have to let them go." Well said. Even if the misunderstanding eventually becomes cleared, things will never go back to what they were, it'll just be a peaceful closure. This has caused me too much damage for its own good, and I don't think I'd be able to ever forget, or risk getting hurt again.
I can trust
In the spirit of the Easter message, I'd like to share some of the conclusions I have on this subject. While it's impossible for us to completely trust anyone nowadays, there's one person we can always rely upon, for He will never let us down, and we will never be forsaken. Christine Caine spoke about the stone of the tomb being rolled away, not for Him to get to us, but for us to reach Him. All we have to do is make that first step and seek Him.
Trust the LORD with all your heart... and lean not on your own understanding. (Pvbs 3:5)
Peter doubted when he walked on water, but as he began to sink, Jesus reached and grabbed his hand immediately. Even if we make mistakes, as our trust in Him wavers, He is quick to catch us just as we fall. So I take my troubles to Him, for he will bear my burden and lighten my load, as he had carried that cross and rescued me from my own shortcomings.
