It was making me happy, I am aware of what I get out of it, nobody else knows about it.
Then that honeymoon phase ended and I’m left being my doubtful, untrusting and paranoid self. I keep asking myself, not too much has changed, but why am I always unhappy?
If something’s making me unhappy, I need to make it disappear. I need to get away from it like I always did.
But I think I know why today. I’m unhappy cos I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know what I’m getting out of it and I definitely don’t have an endgame. I’m scared of getting too much out of it, of developing a reliance, or even an addiction. Others are telling me to just cut it out, they are always right aren’t they?
But each time I try to put a stop to it the boundaries blur once again and I just end up giving more chances, over and over again.
Maybe next time it’ll be different.
But it never is.
I savour every moment. Every touch. Every taste.
But hopes and idealism gets crushed by the weight of reality.
None of that.
It’s toxic, I hate it.
