I’ve lost my ability to vent

In the beginning I was having a blast. I knew what I was doing.
It was making me happy, I am aware of what I get out of it, nobody else knows about it.

Then that honeymoon phase ended and I’m left being my doubtful, untrusting and paranoid self. I keep asking myself, not too much has changed, but why am I always unhappy?

If something’s making me unhappy, I need to make it disappear. I need to get away from it like I always did.

But I think I know why today. I’m unhappy cos I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know what I’m getting out of it and I definitely don’t have an endgame. I’m scared of getting too much out of it, of developing a reliance, or even an addiction. Others are telling me to just cut it out, they are always right aren’t they?

But each time I try to put a stop to it the boundaries blur once again and I just end up giving more chances, over and over again.

Maybe next time it’ll be different.

But it never is.

I savour every moment. Every touch. Every taste.

But hopes and idealism gets crushed by the weight of reality.

None of that.

It’s toxic, I hate it.

I hate you.

Ends are Beginnings

It has nearly been a good month and it almost feels like forever ago when I said the words and put a stop to what just isn't working.

I'm not sure if I became a better person, I'm trying to be.

But sometimes I really question my own actions. I think to myself, is this really me? Have I transformed more in this short period of time than I ever did? Or maybe I've always been like this and I only recently discovered my true self LMAO IDEK MAN.

But I am definitely trying to improve myself, try new things and new people too. Life's boring without some change.

我靠我是不是玩的太疯了，原则不要了，标准降低了，还是太孤独了
其实真的就是和你玩玩，马上就要走了，不要留恋我，如果你想要别的那就等我回来吧

On that note, a half-finished wishlist.

Since nobody reads this blog anyway I'm thinking of going back to my old ways of a wishlist. In my case, a list of things I will slowly buy one by one once the ridiculous amount of money required for each one has been saved.

SS17 Kate Spade clothes
CDG Play Shirt
Anastasia BH Lip Palette
Rig Upgrade
Kat Von D Alchemist Palette
UD Full Spectrum Palette
Gucci Low-tops
Too Faced Sweet Peach Collection glosses & blush
A new brush set
Burberry Sweater/Tshirt
Jo Malone Eng Pear & Freesia Diffuser
Pony Effect Makeup :^)
New Laptop for Japan

I feel like I have accomplished something important

It's been 3 years and counting but I finally did it. I can finally put behind me the young and vulnerable Pigothy and step forward as a slightly mature pig. I've got to say this is like the longest infatuation of my life something that has been such a burden on my heart and soul. But finally overcoming this hurdle is definitely worth celebrating.

On a side note why am I so freaking attracted to the 2nd Male Lead in movies/dramas you know the back-ups boys that never gets the girl. I suppose my type of boiii happen to possess all qualities of the friendzone lmao.

Goodbye, Duckerino.